Expectations.

Since the moment I came here I promised myself no expectations. After the group of amazing speakers came in to SCB and spoke to our trembling and tapping toes of what not to fear, I knew expectations would not be on the list. However, arriving upon scene, wild with passion with out expectation, leaves you walking on a road to no end. I needed an X to mark the spot, to reach into this ancient chest of fear and insecurities and lift up the true vitality that lay within its depths. Being with these women allowed me to raise the bar for myself, to form expectations of an unchartered kind. Expectations of myself.
Everyday behavior, speech, casual talk, work ethic, attention to detail and ability to connect reported facts with ground reality. Skills that since day one, have been fine tuned and chipped away at to reach a core within which my abilities would shine without any light or luster, but as unstoppable, unforeseen force. Creating this empowerment program was not so much philanthropic as it was selfish. I became lost in my creativity and a world of realistic possibilities, one that I had never entered with the sharpness and intent that I had now. Trekking upon the winding road of lone decision-making was the darkest corners of self-doubt I had ever faced.  But the longer I existed in this place, the faster I realized there was nothing to fear, but my own expectations.
I became accustomed to the nerves of creating something of nothing and attempting to sell to a community of people who had lived in the town for generations. In fact, I grew to love it. In the past week, I have had to sell, resell, remanufacture and resell in an endless cycle to community leaders around me. It fascinates me the skepticism with which an 18-year-old year coming down from the east coast to create a program in the border city of Las Cruces is met with.
But words, words can move people and break down any barriers of preconceived prejudice and pride. I live for the moments where my words break them down, leaving only the tiny lights of realization in their eyes. I finally see the human element binding us biologically through the rush of blood to the heart resulting in inextricable condition called, understanding.
Yesterday I visited the New Mexico Health Department, the only place I still felt out of place. My only confidante was Paul Dulin, the director of border health who took me under his wing and nursed my out of initial naivety. The women who worked there seemed to know EVERYTHING, and I feared asking questions of the truly, mundane and obvious known. But today was a break through.
I had visited Paul twice before, the first time for an interview and the second time for a conference. The first time I came in to his office, we ended up talking about the topic at hand for over an hour and a half and moving the interview to a later date. After introducing me to 3 more future contacts for my research, I then was left on my own to explain my self and my cause to these people I had never met before. I was scared to death then, as I was yesterday when I came in to do the actual interview with Paul. I knew I had to ask the right questions, intelligent enough to question the system at hand, but not sassy enough to offend the hard work him and his co-workers did everyday. The interview went on for over an hour, and was probably on the best I have had so far. Yes, of course I did hear the main things I have been longing to hear, which made me satisfied. But the most amazing part was being proved wrong, and learning even more dynamics of the issue I had failed to address.
It’s so strange that the true success came at not getting everything right, and converting the interviewee to Luke Skywalker side of the galaxy, but at getting the right things wrong.  Mind you, I had not failed to prove my intelligence to him. that was the amazing part.
After the interview, I came to understanding with the story of Frost/Nixon. You don’t have to be a journalist to understand winning a battle with yourself.  A lot of times when you’re researching a topic with many experts in the field, you come to a place where you doubt yourself, and your cause. But don’t raise the white flag so quickly; use the holes in your arguments to better understand the complexity that lies beneath an issue. It’s simply a submersion into deep and dark waters, but from here onwards you will know how to swim better, faster, stronger than ever before.
After the interview, I was introduced to two more ladies of power the director of community health and director of community work for the state. Once again left to present myself. At this point, I think I came to understand maybe Paul was doing it on purpose, because the more he did it, the better I got at presenting myself. Although I really could use a business card…
After an impromptu presentation of my empowerment program, the ladies were truly, actually interested in the program. In fact, they asked me to send them the presentation and summary. They did ask a lot of questions and “I see”-ed in a lot of responses. One thing they said did end my day better than I could have expected, “ Well we can’t wait to see you eventually present this to the board of education.” What! The Board of Education of the… STATE? I had to have misheard. “It can’t be this long though, you would have to shorten the presentation a lot more.” Their already thinking about how long it will take!

HOLY CANOLI.

Then one of the ladies kindly gave me a ride home, saving me about a 40 min. walk I would have utilized to formally and mentally, freak out. We spoke about her role as a foster mother for abused and neglected children and her daughter who was now planning to go to college.

It was quite a nice ride actually.
Then. I got home. And another realization kind of hit me in the face.

In the hour and half I spent with these two ladies, I had just raised bar not just for the program, but also for myself, to a penthouse level. The state. Talk about a brainfreeze.

This meant I had not reached my limit yet, this could possibly not be the best day on the job. There would be greater moments to fear, and grander moments to shine, this time maybe in the light of a real camera. Their expectations of me, my expectations of me, of greatness, of excellence, or of utter and potential failure.
ah. What a foggy, bumpy ride expectations can be.